Now What?

A Christmas Medley

Rummaging around Lowe’s garden center for the perfect Christmas tree, it began to snow. A starry-eyed optimist might claim to hear, Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…, but I’m pretty sure it was just one of my men passing gas.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose…? It was twenty degrees.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir… not my boys.

And folks dressed up like Eskimos… the knuckleheads don’t like coats.

We get a real tree every year. One year, my husband and offspring actually went and cut one down. It was so cold, wet, and muddy that day – they vowed never to do that again.

The last few years our trees have originated from Home Depot or Menards, more recently Lowe’s.

We’ve gotten a wide variety of trees – I don’t remember their names. I only know they make me sneeze. One in particular gave me a rash. One had a mouse – that made setting it up very exciting. I’m pretty sure my honey was under the tree when the mouse appeared causing his help to flee.

Trees have fallen on at least three of my children – it wasn’t the trees' fault. It was the children.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

Our old dog, Cindy, would drink from the stand. She liked the water there far better than the water in her bowl – or the toilet even.

She used to walk around under the tree inspecting it. I’m not sure what she was looking for, but she succeeded in knocking all the ornaments off the bottom branches.

Sometimes she just stuck her head in the tree.

We need a little Christmas, right this very minute…

We always try to find the perfectly proportioned tree. This is not easy as they are kind of misshapen at Lowe’s. Each boy in turn will pick a tree and the other boys will criticize it and ask if he thinks he’s Charlie Brown.

Once a tree is finally chosen, it has to be placed into the van. This is when my sons demonstrate some of the things they’ve learned from watching The Three Stooges during their formative years. All while my husband shouts encouraging instructions.

We’ve brought home some strangely shaped trees.

We set these trees up in our family room. Someone usually gets a saw and cuts off any offending parts.

My men really like using the saw.

Have a holly jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of the year…

Then we all stand around and tell each other it will look better once it relaxes. Sometimes this is true - sometimes it isn’t.

One tree looked pregnant – nine months pregnant. It was so front heavy, my dear hubby had to get some wire and bolt it to the wall.

One tree was so ugly the boys took it out to the yard and burned it. Then they went back to the store and bought another one.

I think trees belong in the ground where God put them, but no one asked me.

Once our symbol of Yule Tide bliss is finally appropriately installed in its place and has sufficiently relaxed – and there is no sign of vermin, we can decorate it.

O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! You stand in verdant beauty!

Something like that…

Decorating usually begins with lights. I always make sure they are working before putting them on the tree, but somehow once on the tree half a string or two usually goes out. One would think the lights were federally employed.

Depending on whether someone has to run to the store and buy more lights, it’s time to put on the ornaments.

Some people decorate their trees beautifully. Every ornament is lovely and well placed. The tinsel or ribbon or beads or bows are coordinated and pleasant to behold.

Our trees often look like someone stood three feet away and flung the ornaments at them.

This may or may not have actually occurred.

Rockin’ around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas spirit ring…

I don’t know about you, but I feel a distinct pleasure when all the merry-making is over and someone flings that green intruder out the back door.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light from now on your troubles will be out of sight…

Unless they’re pine needles in the carpet – those are hard to miss…

Songs mentioned:

The Christmas Song by Mel Torme and Robert Wells

It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas by Meredith Willson

We Need a Little Christmas by Jerry Herman

A Holly Jolly Christmas by Johnny Marks

O Christmas Tree, a traditional German carol

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree by Johnny Marks

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane