The Day Between

Parenting with Perspective

I read recently in a lovely book about faithful parenting that when a child tries to manipulate us in various vexing ways, we should respond with calmness, grace, and wisdom. After all, we don’t want to “answer a fool according to his folly, or we will be like him…. (Proverbs 26:4)”, right?

The book went on to give various examples of teen manipulation and proper parenting response. I confess I laughed out loud at a few of them – not that they were untrue statements, but that I’d be able to say them in the mist  of dealing with the miscommunication that seems to inevitably result whenever I attempt to talk, direct, teach, discipline, train, or even sneeze in the general direction of my offspring.

For example, the other day I asked one of my children to get something from the laundry room - His response? – “That laundry room?” 

Selah.

Now, I am an average middle class woman with an average middle class home – there has only ever been one laundry room. It contains two big white, noisy machines that are practically always running in case one tends toward confusion.

The authors of this faithful book did allow that parents may find themselves struggling with various emotions like anger, fear, confusion, frustration, and guilt making it difficult to keep from sinning and responding with like foolishness when encountering the same from their children. I appreciated the concession, because I find too many of these kinds of books more guilt inducing than truly useful.

It seems easy for parenting experts to advise harried parents how to respond properly to their children, to be tender with their offspring, to listen to their concerns, to spend quality time with them - Far too easy for someone who has actually experienced anyone under twenty – or over twenty for that matter. It is my contention that most parenting experts don’t have children.

I sometimes wonder if these authors have ever experienced the moment of decision when the deadline to a project looms large – like maybe writing their book - and the quiet moment, long sought for, is accompanied by a young person wanting attention, needing to talk, complain, or otherwise vocalize something. Have they never broken up fights where all parties are innocent and whatever the other guy got he deserved? I mean, I could use Solomon around my house on a daily basis.

It always perplexes me that when a child is asked how an event went, the only response received is, “Fine.” But when one sits down with a good book, the entire life story of some vague acquaintance, a detailed account of the dog’s activities, a long discourse on some odd historical event, or a harangue on how one could be a somewhat better parent will be urgently expounded.

Now if I dare return to reading my Bible or open my book or continue to type on my computer or aimlessly look at my phone, I am an insensitive, distracted, neglectful parent – and so-and-so is my favorite!

Alack and woe is me!! What’s a mom to do?

Well, I don’t know. I am not a parenting expert – I just had children, but I have come to realize a few things over the years.

First of all, things don’t often turn out the way we thought they would. I think expectations are the number one cause of disappointment. Maybe it would be better for our mental health if we kept those expectations low and learned to ‘go-with-the-flow.’ There is a line in an old Rich Mullins song that I often remember:

My friends ain’t the way I wish they were, they are just the way they are…*

The thought can apply to our children too. Of course, we are duty bound to train and discipline, nurture and provide, but acceptance goes a long way in the heart of a child. God made them a certain way – maybe not the way we’d like them. All those characteristics that we may find annoying most likely came from someone we know. The Lord has a plan for our children. He will use those very traits we're not that crazy about, and He doesn’t have to share all the details with us.

Secondly, don’t waste energy being offended. Turn the offense around and choose to give grace. We really don’t know what the other guy is going through. Even if the other guy is our kid, and we think we know all about our own kid – give grace. They have bad days too, get hurt by careless words, and struggle with their own sinful tendencies, as well as with ours. We need to assume the best of them. Don’t assign motive to their actions, only God knows their hearts. We are responsible for our own reactions and behaviors. We need to apologize when we sin and are wrong. They need to see that we need grace as much as they do.

As Paul admonished the Ephesians, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:32).”

Finally, wait on the Lord. Wait on the Lord to work in our children. Being patient is doing nothing – trusting in Him – is waiting for Him to move. It is not nagging, cajoling, manipulating, or controlling every action, because junior will most likely embarrass us while in public one way or another. Who cares what the nosy neighbor, the vaulted church lady, or the seldom seen relative thinks, anyway? They will think what they want no matter what we do. 

Biblical scholar William Barclay stated this about patience, “It is the quality of putting up with people, even when…sorely tried.”

Sounds like parenting to me.

While we are patiently waiting, let us pray for our children. Whether they are babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school age, teens, young adults, or parents of our grandchildren, let us bring every concern we have for them to the altar. I don’t think we realize the power we have in prayer. We can talk to our kids all day, give advice that would make Solomon proud, but only God can touch their hearts and turn them the direction they should go. I’m not endorsing ‘laissez-faire’ parenting. We must do the job God has given us, but we have to remember He handles the results.

Elizabeth George, in her book God’s Garden of Grace, describes patience this way:

Patience does nothing…It is love doing nothing. So, if you want to walk in patience when you’ve been hurt, wronged, ill-treated, or abused, do nothing! Instead of reacting and doing something outwardly negative and harmful, inwardly resist in patience. Doing nothing gives you and me time to do something – to pray, to reflect, and to plan to respond in a righteous manner.

I have often thought that the Lord has used my children over the years to work on me. There seems to be no finer instrument in our Master’s hands for molding us into what he wants us to be than our own beloved children.

 *http://www.songlyrics.com/rich-mullins/brother-s-keeper-lyrics/